When I Can’t Speak

Father, I know You are there and I know you gave everything for me. And now I am living my life for You. But there are some times in my life I don’t feel like praying at all.
Some days I just don’t feel like talking to You or anyone. Or even myself. That doesn’t mean I am pushing You out or I have stopped loving You. To a certain extent, my condition, my sickness, makes me feel this way. And when this happens,

‘Will You carry me at times I can’t carry myself?’

Please don’t feel upset when I am not talking to You. I know You know that my whole life revolves around You. I feel Your presence and Your arms around me when no one else is here, You keep me safe. You keep me warm. You are a candle in my dark room.

Psalms 139 says search my heart. Now here in this letter, I am showing my heart to you. Because I can’t speak, I write to you now, so you see my heart.

Bare and raw as it is, I now admit, I am not as strong as I make myself seem to people.

I admit I am not as put together as I’d like to think I am.

I am insecure, scared, anxious, low, thankful, confused, paralysed and exhausted all at the same time.

I am not strong on my own. If it had been my own strength alone, I won’t be alive now, and You won’t be reading this letter.

Will You still patiently wait till the day I find my voice to speak to You again?

But at the time between, please don’t leave me.

Please don’t let me go. Please don’t turn Your eyes from me.

Please don’t stop looking out for me.

Please don’t stop following from behind me.

Please don’t stop going before me.

Please don’t stop speaking to me.

I admit that the very breath I have now is not of my own but is Yours and Yours alone.

You sustain me, You embrace me, You secure me.

You bring Light, Love and Restoration to every broken piece of heart there is.

Your Love is whole, and I know I would never be perfectly whole until I see Your face, but very soon I shall do, and this moment I am writing to You this in a crowded café, will just be like a dream.

My journey with You is like a song. My life sings Your song, but I sing with You as I go, I don’t know the song off by heart. But I know how it ends. It ends with praise. It ends with permanence. It ends with eternity.

I will be walking with You and at times, I will be stumbling, like now in this shadowfeet, towards a place I call Home, a land that I have never seen. I have been changing every single day, You have woken me, and I am less and less asleep from where I began, on the 8th of August, 2013, the day when I let You enter my life completely.

There is still a lot of distraction around me and even more so that is buzzing in my head.

They would say, ‘in the shadows will be easier to stay.’

But You are already aware of every single fibre of them.

See I am wired to be so introspective, logical, analytical and self-critical that my thoughts weigh my body down to the ground. My thoughts silence me. My thoughts paralyze me. Because I always ignore my emotions. I never use them to make decisions. I never let them rule me. Such a trait is a blessing I treasure, but as they say, nothing is good in extreme.

I still hear rumours around me, in literature, on radio, in wars and in crowds, about what really is ‘true reality’ but to me they are just whispers in a very, very well-lit way. People come, people say what they say and people go, but You are the only constant in my life. When people leave without cause, without reason, without permission, You stay. You choose to stay with me every single day, and likewise, I choose You every single second over anything or anyone.

Such a narrow road is Yours, but such a light burden it is too.

So when I feel like the world is falling out from under me and when I have nowhere to turn to, I know I will be found in You, like now and I will be still standing. Always standing with You. Every fear, every accusation, every scorn, every negligence, every failure that lies under my feet, I know when time and space are through, I will be found in You. My soul knows it well. Restore me and my exhaustion. And quiet my head, quiet my soul.

You make all things, and you make all things new.

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